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Tag Archives: sex

I’m sure I’m not the first person in the blogosphere to tell hockey player Sean Avery that I’m pretty sure he didn’t get with Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter when they were virgins. I’m definitely not the first to point out that he’s essentially being suspended for a long history of his winning combination of dicktasticness and asshattery.  And by no means am I a hockey expert.

But his immature comment designed to agitate, because that’s what Sean Avery does, brings to light to one of the things guys need to accept as they get older, especially as they stay single. Namely, that she’s probably not a virgin and she’s been with other guys in the past. You would think most guys do, but the fact that Avery thought this would be yet another one of his effective ways of getting under people’s skin, illustrates that they really don’t.

I had a friend drunkenly tell me one night that he had vowed not to date anyone who had been known to hit it with Derek Jeter. I joked that, “Um, I didn’t know that this is an issue,” but, apparently, it had really happened to him. His ego could not deal with it. Which made no sense to me. What’s the difference if one of the guys she hooked up before you met her some doofus who lived next door or Derek Jeter?

It’s 2008, guys. You’re probably not meeting any virgins at that bar.  So, what does it matter who came before you? (So to speak, of course.) Logically, this makes sense. In practice though, it does bug a lot of guys, especially if the guy who came before you is some dope like Sean Avery, apparently. Avery’s sin was in the horrible choice of words he used, but the fact is, he did date those women. I would hope that Dion Phaneuf and Jarrett Stoll are secure enough for it not to bother them. Especially since I’m sure probably they already knew.

And as for Sean, I’m sure these some photographer, sleazy producer, high school boyfriend, or whatever, who saw the news of that comment on SportsCenter, and yelled at the TV, “First!”

Well, today is February 14th! You know what that means! Mating Day!

Are you contributing to the survival of the human race by fucking? And not boning just to bone, but so that we can keep the human race alive, to keep the earth under our steady and sure direction? As you know, if we as humans do not procreate through the guise of romance, well, we’re looking at a takeover by the wolves. Knowing some people who have been raised by them, let me tell you, wolves are not qualified to be leading this planet. Sure they’ve got the killer instincts and the sharp teeth, but they lack our broader vision, sense of purpose, and plain old creativity.

Wolves!

So, if you haven’t sired and bred any children, today is the day to do something about that. Take the initiative. Use a pickup line. Write poetry. Offer to put your fingers in places that proper society pretends not to dream of. Get someone drunk. Do something so spectacular that it causes a display of genitalia without provocation. If you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it to stop the wolves, who will stop at nothing to take back this planet. Today they’re wandering into convenience stores, tomorrow they’ll be running ExxonMobil.

If you have already had children and are raising them in a family unit of some sort, it’s a good night not to forget where you came from with a fancy dinner, a gift, and doing other things you would ordinarily not even consider doing on a Thursday night. It is your reward for doing your part in the battle. But you must never forget its importance, so relive your young desperate romantic days, when mating was new to you, and take each other in the night. This is what we have over the wolves, who reproduce but can never remember the true pleasure of a well-thought out and schemed mating dance.

If you do no such thing, may you feel bad about the emptiness in your life caused by your failure to strike a blow (or give one) for the cause. Mope around, eat fatty foods, drink cheap, mass-market beer and watch bad Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson movies or second-tier sporting events, like hockey. That is what you deserve for letting the Earth down and leaving the human race at the hands of the wolves.

Wolf!

In short, today is a day to celebrate! Fertility! Humankind! Defeat the wolves! Go bone somebody, even if it means unhappily lowering your standards and settling for second-rate treatment. Feel alive, and feel your contribution! Or feel dead, and feel the sting of a bucket of chicken wings and watching “Love, Actually”.