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…but I am falling into all sorts of bad habits, including nearly missing my deadlines. Therefore:

Chiefs (+7.5) over CHARGERS: Most sane people would not go near this, and with good reason. Who do you trust less? Philip “Damn, He Fell the Fuck Off” Rivers or Matt “It Looks Even Worse Now That He Couldn’t Beat Out Matt Leinart” Cassel? Norv “How Does This Fool Have a Job” Turner or Romeo “How Did This Fool Get Another Job?” Crennel? Massive confusion here. I’ll just take the points since San Diego shouldn’t be favored by 7.5 over anybody, including the Chiefs. Maybe.

Well, 2-10-1 and 1-2 in the Best Bets is quite the disaster, isn’t it? That’s what happens when you rush through these things. And like Cam Newton still not learning to cut out the silly post-game press conference routine, I am rushing through again.

Patriots (-7) over RAMS
TITANS (-3.5) over Colts
PACKERS (-15) over Jaguars
BROWNS (+3) over Chargers
Falcons (+3) over EAGLES
Seahawks (+2.5) over LIONS
JETS (-2) over Dolphins
BEARS (-7.5) over Panthers
Redskins (+4) over STEELERS
Raiders (+1.5) over CHIEFS
COWBOYS (+2.5) over Giants
BRONCOS (-6.5) over Saints
49ERS (-7) over Cardinals

Best Bets: 49ers, Bears, Patriots
Season: 51-51-4, 11-11-2 Best Bets

I am on vacation this week, so the picks will be quicker, lighter, and more and more instinctive this week. Like Ray Lewis claimed at the beginning of this training camp, and which may well be true, but may not be enough to stave off Father Time. Home teams in caps.

Falcons (-3) at REDSKINS: the Falcons had their loss last week, but Cam Newton’s fumble, along with dreadful secondary play on the final drive, allowed them to stay undefeated. Falcons will run with their gift.

Eagles (+3.5) over STEELERS: No, we don’t know how the Eagles are doing it either.

COLTS (+7) over Packers: Pack doesn’t seem to be getting the calls these days.

GIANTS (-8) over Browns: One never knows with the Giants, but the Browns on the road? Hell, no!

VIKINGS (-5.5) over Titans: Yeah, looks like Tennessee took a step back this year.

BENGALS (-3) over Dolphins: the Bengals might be the most reliable team to bet on or against this season.

Ravens (-6.5) over CHIEFS: Luckily no one reads this regularly, including my mild defense of Romeo Crennel Week 1.

Seahawks (+3) over PANTHERS: Let’s see how Ron Rivera and the defense blow this game as we focus solely on Cam Newton’s body language.

Bears (-5.5) over JAGUARS: Speaking of body language, Jay Cutler and friends seem to be getting on a little bit of a roll.

PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Broncos: No reason to pick the Broncos here, is there?

Bills (+10) over 49ERS: This just feels like too many points to give.

Chargers (+3.5) over SAINTS: Yeah, i’m not laying points with the 0-4 team that can’t stop anybody.

Texans (-8) over JETS: I’ll be shocked if Woody Johnson and ESPN don’t conspire to have a concussion happen to Mark Sanchez in the film room before the game Monday.

Best Bets: Bears, Ravens, Bengals

Last week: 5-9-1, 2-1 Best Bets
Season: 33-29-2, 7-6-1 Best Bets

RAVENS (-12) over Browns: Woot! The real referees are back and there will be no mistakes of officiating ever again! (Not true.) The end of lame Foot Locker jokes emanating from the stands! (Nope.) Finally, a rousing victory for labor standing on principle in the face of arrogant greedy capitalists! (Sure, if you have a high-paying job as your primary income.) What a job by Roger Goodell, finally listening to the people and putting an end to this! (Breaking down to your bosses that this was not a battle worth fighting against a group that had the financial wherewithal to wait until the leverage swung in their favor would have taken some foresight and a willingness to take on your bosses in their own interest. Of course, who wants to fight their boss? It’s a pain.)

Anyway, now that America has a renewed appreciation for the rare and unique set of skills necessary to officiate NFL games, at least until the first time someone in the Ravens’ secondary bitches about a pass interference call, time to get to the matter at hand: the Ravens D is not what it once was, but as the immortal Steven Jackson once said to Robert Griffin III: this ain’t the Big 12, son.

So three of my friends are about to move in to a totally awesome new building. Newly built, it’s got amenities like these. Okay, it’ll look even more god-damn AWESOME once the weather warms up, there’s water in the pool, and there’s meat on the grill. Well, if they’re not all pretending to be vegetarian to impress members of the opposite sex. (I kid!)

Understandably, they can’t stop talking about the new place, and you know what, bully for them! To get to a place in your life where you can afford a ridiculous apartment practically begging for coke-and-booze fueled orgies means you’ve made it! Makes me want to cry tears of joy for them if my atrophied tear ducts will allow it.  

Of course, it’s not all Champale and Worcestershire sauce in the world of double-dog dazzling luxury apartment buildings. They’ve had some unwanted tenants stop by, things may have gotten a little bit behind schedule, and there were some issues with the labor. No matter, it’s almost kinda close to ready to open, and my friends will be moving in soon. Good times and questionable decisions await.

But what I am really looking forward to is the gambling! I can smell the prop bets already! Over/under on what day is the cable guy actually going to show up? First person to spill a glass of wine? First nonresidents to have sex? First noise complaint! Over/under on just how much they are going to have to tip the doorman they will wear out by Christmastime!

Ah, the possibilities. Living in an apartment regularly featured on Curbed may only cost you $4,000/per month. Not living there but getting to watch the bawdy comedy gold that is guaranteed to ensue: priceless.