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Monthly Archives: December 2008

1. I need to post something of significance here

2. I may need to get serious about maybe looking for a new job, since I am actually in a small industry where there are actually  jobs.

3. Eric Mangini needs to fired, and can he take Mike “Vernon Gholston” Tannenbaum with him?

4. The Yankees need to be congratulated for their continuing bailout of the Major League Baseball Players Association. Who says the government has to do everything?

5. It needs to just warm up ever-so-slightly.

6. I need to start linking to the Rum and Popcorn 100, even though it’s not finished, mostly because I want no one to read that as well.

7. Gotta get my fingers ready for some Festivus grievance texting. Because you know who you are.

By now you’ve heard the news that Jay Leno and NBC have decided to give the late-night talk show format a whirl in prime time. Most articles discussing this potential major change in television programming mention the possibility of enormous profits if this idea is successful. The costs of a talk-show are relatively low in the long run, especially when compared to dramas and sitcoms. If a show that cheap can make make huge profits in late night, imagine the potential earnings of prime-time ratings.

Inspired by a desperate network’s out-of-the-box thinking, the thought came across my mind that that our government, pretty strapped right now but having to spend even more on the strapped economy, could use a little cash infusion itself. Too bad the government can’t put on a profitable, entertaining, and informative show five nights a week and make easy cash.

Wait, why not?

I mean, Barack Obama is all over the airwaves anyway these days, appointing Cabinet members, offering up plans, telling the current President what he should do while reminding everyone that he’s not President yet, and of course, going “Rod who?”

In the interest of a new, more transparent government, and tax deductions for all participating advertisers, live from Washington, D.C., it’s Government Live! With President Barack Obama! (Sometimes, when the President needs a day off, you’ll get Joe Biden. Joe Biden will make a fine David Brenner or Garry Shandling for this generation.)

“But”, the skeptics out there are asking, “what the hell is Barack Obama going to talk about for an hour?” No worries. Like every well-designed show, we have a format all set up: fast-paced, entertaining, informative, and chock-full of opportunities for the people to learn. It’ll be like a civics class every night, except more fun! Check it out:

Segment 1 — What I’m doin’: Basically his monologue, where he pretty much tells the American people what he’s doing to fix the country. About five minutes. The goal is three minutes of explanation and information and two minutes of inspiration.

Segment 2 –The People’s Briefing: The President sits down, takes a load off, and sits down with someone from the government live via satellite, from the field, whether it’s the front lines of the war on terror or restructuring of the auto industry, where people can see results. Not to mention light banter, of course.

Segment 3 — The Big Idea: The evening’s main guest, usually a Congressman or Cabinet Member, comes on to discuss the big issue of the day. It’s a free-flowing conversation, hopefully designed to stimulate thought. Not to mention of course, embarrassing stories and wildly amusing anecdotes.

Segment 4 — Media Roundtable:Everyone loves pundits, but let’s see what we get when they get to punditize in front of the President himself. Sure, it might be awkward at first, but soon, we’ll be hoping for the kind of no-holds barred discussion of the issues you get on…um.. well…uh, it’ll be like a more formal “Around The Horn“.

Segment 5 — Haterade! : In the interest of equal time, this segment is devoted to the opposition. Some Republican comes on and tells you why these aren’t good ideas and what Ronald Reagan would do if he were still alive. Then, as all good American TV does, we rip off the British. Designated Hater of the Day gets a to ask the President three questions in the style of British Parliament : “Whare is the President getting all this money for these public works projects?! Does he hope to simply print it?” It’ll be confrontational, provide the show’s dramatic climax, and lead perfectly into…

Segment 6 — Musical guest: Because you always have to have a musical guest on a talk show. Period.

Segment 7 — 42 cents: In other words, the mailbag segment, where the President talks to the people. From a safe distance deep inside the White House, of course. A nice, snappy way to wrap up the show.

With that kind of setup, you won’t even know you’re watching a government informational program! And with the high ratings you’d undoudtedly get from a nation on edge, you could easily clear about a billion dollars a year! With that kind of money rolling we could easily put, like, a light, easily repairable scratch in the deficit!

Look, we gotta start somewhere. You got anything better, hater?

Wednesday, 12/3: Well Whiskey Friday breaks out his Calendar that he received last Christmas to make up his holiday calendar.

Friday 12/5: Promising to take it easy so he can do some much-needed Christmas shopping, Well Whiskey Friday claims he’s done after happy hour.

Saturday 12/6: Sure, he’s still out at midnight. Sunday’s a better day to go shopping for gifts anyway.

Later that day, he realizes it’s the last regular season day of college football. The sadness he feels in his heart is slowly replaced by Sierra Nevadas at Mulholland’s. The plan: ignore the ACC championship game (no bitterness here, GT lost to VT head to head, this isn’t the Big XII), enjoy a USC beatdown of UCLA (who needs time outs when you can have tradition) and hope Missouri upsets Oklahoma, so ‘SC and Texas can start sniping at each other again, this time off the field–the way college football ought to be!

Sunday 12/7:He was going to go shopping, but he woke up too late on Sunday, and there’s no way he can go to Best Buy and make it back to the Turkey’s Nest in time for Ravens-Redskins battle of the Beltway! (When the bartender knows your name and hooks you up with PBR, you can talk yourself into any sporting event, really.)

Monday 12/8: New boss means midweek merriment must be kept to a minimum. All that sobriety makes it hard to shopping right after work, you know?

Thursday 12/11: The last ever Media Meshing, apparently. Well Whiskey Friday went to the first few and was even in a video on its behalf. Guess he has to go to the last one. He might even tell some people he has a blog this time.

Friday 12/12: If he can get up and not go “Shit! I’m going to have to call in!” Well Whiskey Friday is declaring victory.

Saturday 12/13: Big day: First of his two Secret Santa parties in the afternoon, a book exchange in the evening, and Santacon raging in the wee hours. If he had known that the day would be so busy, he likely would have not scheduled himself to give blood in the early afternoon. (Donate, things get desperate, especially this time of year. The holidays make people drunk-drivey and stabby.) Especially since Well Whiskey Friday still has bought no gifts. Can you say “iTunes Gift card”?

Sunday 12/14: By today he will have hoped to cheat on his fake, gambling-induced “fiancee”. Is deploying all tactics that do not make him into a Hookup Turkey. We hope.

After last night’s close shave, you would think I’d get on my December 16th Secret Santa. You would be wrong. Gotta catch Giants-Cowboys! When you wake up at 5 pm, shopping’s just not possible.

Tuesday 12/16:I’m sure work won’t be so busy that I won’t have time to stand in line at gift wrap and fight off shoppers and…forget it. Is giving someone a crisp $20 bill accompanied by some original poetry, a cool and different kind of gift, or does it make you Grandpa? Oh and he is vowing to violently destroy any cheesy Barack Obama merchandise he might receive. You’ve been warned, ironic giftmeisters.

Thursday 12/18: If he worked for a normal company, there would be some sort of holiday party. However, even during good economic times, the company party is scheduled during the summer because…well, it’s cheaper. But at least he doesn’t feel left out this year.

Saturday 12/20: College football is back! It’s minor bowl season! Who’s up for the Roady’s Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl! No? But you can gamble on it. Oh yeah, now you’re interested!

Wednesday 12/24:A Festivus for the rest of us?

Well Whiskey Friday and his longtime pal continue a tradition like no other: drinking at Subway Inn on 60thand Lexington Avenue on Christmas Eve. (Technically it’s the 23rd, yes. I dare you to call Frank Costanza on Well Whiskey Friday.) The it’s off to downtown, where Jews and other assorted grinchesare partying the night away. At midnight of course, is the airing of grievances. Well and friends have coupled this tradition with modern technology to text everyone they know and let those people know precisely how they have been disappointed by them. (Well, not precisely, Well Whiskey Friday doesn’t have a full keyboard on his phone.)

Thursday 12/25: Jewish Christmas! Dim Sum, and in The Gang’s tradition, gay movie! I hear “Milk” is supposed to be excellent.

Friday 12/26:Hope your office had the good sense to close. Well’s does, meaning hair of the dog!

Sunday 12/28: Week 17 of the NFL. Head to your local sports bar like Well will to see history. That’s right, the totally defeated Detroit Lions will take the golden shower sombrero and go 0-16.

Monday 12/29:No actual work will be done as the day’s internet use will be devoted to “What are we doing on New Year’s?”

Wednesday 12/31: Either it’s a great compromise or it’s a great party as Well Whiskey Friday decides, as he usually does, that he’s tired of pressuring himself to make this some sort of special, memorable evening, and just decides the game plan is to throw drinks down at an alarming pace.

Thursday 1/1: Happy New Year! May 2009 be the start a new set of experiences, adventures, highlights, achievements, moments, and joys! A clean slate and a new start to the rest of your life. But before you start feeling too giddy, remember this: George Walker Bush: Still President. (courtesy of “The Daily Show”)

Doesn’t matter if Well Whiskey Friday overdid it on New Year’s Eve…the office is closed on Friday! Unless his liver says something, it won’t stop! Keep on living the dream, kids.

*All events subject to change due to illness, arrest, nipple-biting cold, or morning-after awkwardness.

I’m sure I’m not the first person in the blogosphere to tell hockey player Sean Avery that I’m pretty sure he didn’t get with Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter when they were virgins. I’m definitely not the first to point out that he’s essentially being suspended for a long history of his winning combination of dicktasticness and asshattery.  And by no means am I a hockey expert.

But his immature comment designed to agitate, because that’s what Sean Avery does, brings to light to one of the things guys need to accept as they get older, especially as they stay single. Namely, that she’s probably not a virgin and she’s been with other guys in the past. You would think most guys do, but the fact that Avery thought this would be yet another one of his effective ways of getting under people’s skin, illustrates that they really don’t.

I had a friend drunkenly tell me one night that he had vowed not to date anyone who had been known to hit it with Derek Jeter. I joked that, “Um, I didn’t know that this is an issue,” but, apparently, it had really happened to him. His ego could not deal with it. Which made no sense to me. What’s the difference if one of the guys she hooked up before you met her some doofus who lived next door or Derek Jeter?

It’s 2008, guys. You’re probably not meeting any virgins at that bar.  So, what does it matter who came before you? (So to speak, of course.) Logically, this makes sense. In practice though, it does bug a lot of guys, especially if the guy who came before you is some dope like Sean Avery, apparently. Avery’s sin was in the horrible choice of words he used, but the fact is, he did date those women. I would hope that Dion Phaneuf and Jarrett Stoll are secure enough for it not to bother them. Especially since I’m sure probably they already knew.

And as for Sean, I’m sure these some photographer, sleazy producer, high school boyfriend, or whatever, who saw the news of that comment on SportsCenter, and yelled at the TV, “First!”

I got an email from PayPal reminding me that I have a positive balance in my account. How nice! A casual reminder that I once did actually make money from writing on the internet! What a quaint notion in these economic times.

I felt so good that I felt free to ignore all the advertising offers to spend my positive balance.

Now that I’ve found a way around my dead apartment cable, partly thanks to my dad inadvertently donating a new-ish computer to me, (guess who’s getting a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue — with Mom’s approval as long as it doesn’t activate his gout) I’m getting back into the game a little bit. This warranted a pointless redesign.

Also going to take this opportunity to let you know that, being December and all, a new 2008 edition of the Rum and Popcorn 100 will be happeneing this year. If you remember the old website, you’re excited. If you never heard of it, you are in for a treat. Unless you think it sucks, of course.

Over on my tumblr, I briefly talked about a missed opportunity.