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It’s been a while since I doled out a public service announcement, but on this day when Americans give thanks, I have to get a very important message off my chest. (If for nothing else, to amuse bored Canadians, people hiding from their families, and others who find their way here.)

With the leaves falling off and the holidays present, you may think that it signals the time of year where, especially if you’re single (and sometimes if you’re not), that the best way to dole out some holiday cheer is with whatever’s in your pants. No.

Look, the holidays can bring out the internal longing for human connection like no other time of year, and this is actually a very good time to get closer to people, and maybe meet someone of significance, or someone for fun. However, a bad hookup decision is still a bad hookup decision no matter what time of year it is. If it was a bad idea to bring back that ex you know is a jackass on October 7th, it’s not any more legit on November 30th. Just because it’s your last holiday season as an unmarried person, it doesn’t mean that it’s time to spread Christmas cheer, if you know what I mean, for the last time to all you can.

The overall point is that the holidays eventually end and the hard, cold reality of January will settle in. And when you’ve realized what you’ve done and you contemplate how to get out of it, it’s going to make January a series of cold, cold winter’s days, even if you live in Southern California.

So before you let that spiked egg nog make you think, “Hey, why not, who wants to spend December 13th alone?” Flash forward the clendar to the far less festive date of February March 13th, and think if a Presidents St. Patrick’s Day atmosphere would make what or who you are about to do make sense. If the answer is yes, then proceed. If the answer is no, then stop and extricate yourself from the situation. If the answer is no, and you still go through with it, you know what it makes you? A Hookup Turkey! Don’t be one, because the only people who get to feast on the carcass of a Hookup Turkey are the gossipers and friends who will be going (because they will find out, they ALWAYS find out), “What the f*** !?!?”

The more you know…

*edited with realization that Feb. 13th is the pre-Valentine’s Day Hookup Turkey post-season…

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