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Every now and again, looking for breakfast at the cafeteria, I run across the oatmeal/porridge selection. Once in a while they’ll have flavored oatmeal, sometimes they’ll have porridge, sometimes they’ll have Cream of Wheat. But once in a while, I see an item that I think is called “John McCain’s Irish  Oatmeal”.

It’s actually John McCann’s Irish Oatmeal. I have some issues with astigmatism.

However, as this presidential campaign has gone on, I can’t think of a more appropriate product to symbolize the message being put out by the Republican presidential nominee.

For those of you who know nothing about Irish Oatmeal, it’s basically a style of cutting the oats. Instead of grinding and refining it to death, they take it off the husk, cut it up a couple of times, and that’s it. Breakfast! McCann’s Oats are Steel Cut for a chewier, nuttier, more wholesome flavor.

If you are not a fan of oatmeal by itself, like me (although I love oatmeal raisin cookies) this sounds like pain in a bowl. Great, just what I need, extra chewy, kind of crunchy pure oats. But it is a wholegrain product and it’s probably quite good for you. I’m still not going to eat it.

Senator John McCain seems to be the political verson of this product. Yeah, you might not really like it that much, and it looks tough to chew, but it’s wholegrain and pure. And you need to like it, even if you don’t. It’s wholegrain, and dammit, that’s what you need.

Sure, you might think you’d enjoy getting out of Iraq, raising taxes on the wealthy, and more government regualtion in our financial markets. That all sounds well and good. But is it really going to make you regular? Is it going to give you your recommended daily allowance of deficits, tough talk, and saber-rattling? No. Sure, John McCain’s Irish Oatmeal may not go down so easy, but you gotta do what you gotta do. It’s chewy, crunchy and unpleasant, but in the end you’ll be better off for it.

It’s kind of a shrewd move, since he can’t be the flashy guy in this election, and he isn’t going to win it touting the recent achievements of the Republican Party. But people know they need their wholegrain oatmeal. You can sprinkle some berries or offshore drilling in there and it’ll go down a bit easier. John Mc Cain has decided that the best message he can send is to show the people that they need their stone-cut oatmeal. You know what you’re getting, and that’s the way to go, even if you may not actually totally like what you’re getting.

But do you really want to try that weird-looking, funnily-named fruity muesli? You see it over there, all different, but promising you a new and tasty kind of way to get youroats, plus nutrients and vitamins. But that looks like it’s for the kind of people who eat egg whites. Egg whites? Is that what you want, America?

You know oatmeal. This is a purer, crunchier form than you’re used to, but you know this stuff is good for you. You won’t be happy about it, but put that aside. Isn’t that better than taking a chance with some product that goes with egg whites or yogurt that maybe, just might give you the runs? John McCain’s Irish Oatmeal will go well with your All-American bacon and sausage, and protect you from the terrorists (and now the Russians) as well.

Why I am not going to be surprised if this works?


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