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Let’s not dwell on how long it’s been, shall we, and get right to it.

At Key Bar in the East Village, we decided to take seats near the bathroom. As we here hanging out, a woman walked by, sized up BrianVan and may myself and started chatting. The conversation was inconsequential, as no one was interested. She was a bit drunk, and a bit weird. at some point, introductions happened. That’s when she noticed my front teeth.

For those of you who have never seen me, I sport a gap in between my front teeth. A little wider than Letterman’s and Madonna’s, not as big as Michael Strahan’s. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but it can look horrendous in certain photos. It definitely plays better in person, although if I ever ended up on TV, I probably would get it fixed.

Anyway, as soon as I laughed, (at her I assure you, not with her), she said “Oh!”

I was like, “What?”

“I see that thing you have in your mouth.”

I figured it was the gap in my teeth, so I said, “What about it?”

“It means you eat pussy!”

Well, that was the end of the conversation, because I didn’t know what that meant. A year or two ago, some skanky shot girl at a bar said the gap in my front teeth held some sort of secret about my sexual prowess. 

Now look, I’m not saying that I don’t eat pussy, or that you won’t generally get a top-notch effort from me, ladies (a high number of whiskey slushes, wines, and PBR’s notwithstanding), but do I really have to wonder about the message my front teeth are sending? Really? 






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