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With the warm weather upon us, it is time to start getting ready for the fun season. One of my favorite activities in getting ready for the summer is coming up with new and necessary catchphrases. We’re just getting underway, but while I had a little downtime at work (thanks, by the way, to an unnamed big-ass consulting firm for continuing to stretch out my busy season and keep me away from Triviotic by continuing to delay our season-ending package), I thought I would share one of the most crucial with you.

Last year, based on an especially inane conversation held by New York Mets broadcasters Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez, we came up with the all-purpose awkward conversation changer: “So, nobody wears hats anymore.”

old school hats

To refresh your memories or re-introduce you to the concept, here’s a sample conversation:

Girl: Hey, remember last year’s Fourth of July party? That was a lot of fun!

Guy: Oh yeah, I remember that party. That’s where your best friend hooked up with (realizes it’s her recent ex-boyfriend who she is still not quite over, and that she was not aware of this incident)umm…uhhh…

Girl: (suddenly suspicious) Who? Who’d she hook up with?!

Guy: Um, no one, uh, he was some ugly dude…I think he had a mullet, or something…

Me: But seriously, nobody wears hats anymore. What’s up with that?

See? Problem solved!

But trotting out the same old lines isn’t going to work. Gotta make it great in 2008, yo.

So this year, in honor of our now-sober comrade Wang Diddy, one of the first people I met in our drinking group, the change-the-conversation phrase is now:

A cool,. refreshing drink

“Who wants mojitos?”

After two hours or so of drinking, he would suddenly, and without warning, ask this very important question. And then he would buy a round of mojitos. But even more than being a free drink, it was always a sure sign that the evening was much too far gone. Which is why he probably had to give up the drink.

But, five years later, I miss the spirit of the phrase. Even if I have no intention of buying a round of mojitos. (Maybe once in a while, after I get my nickel-an-hour raise.) Point is, in 2008, here’s how the awkward conversation goes down:

Guy: So, has anybody here ever had a threesome?

Girl: We sort of did once.

Guy: Really? You and your boyfriend?

Girl: Actually, uh, you were sort of there.

Guy: What?

Girl: Well, you passed out on the couch, right, and my boyfriend and I got into it, and you weren’t making any noise, you were just out cold. So we thought it would be fun to do it in front of you while you were passed out drooling.

Guy: That’s messed up! But how is that a threesome? Did you do anything to me?

Girl: Actually, it was my boyfriend’s idea. Well, more like he made it an official threesome.

Guy: Oh snap, my belt was buckled wrong the next morning! Please tell me he didn’t do that.

Girl: Uh, well…

Me:That’s crazy! So, who wants mojitos, y’all?

Aren’t you looking forward to outdoor drinking already?


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