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  • how to lose 210 pounds in six months
  • that if you think a good bar fight is more satisfying than having an orgasm, you’re probably going to do significant jail time in many states
  • you can never know enough guys named “Manuel”
  • that you must be pretty funny if you can make a guy who doesn’t understand English laugh
  • when the Newcastle runs out, go to Brooklyn Lager
  • if you are having a record listening party, you should play the album before the free beer runs out
  • douches with synthesizers must have a lot of friends with money
  • eggs that taste like ass are still eggs and therefore, edible
  • no one ever forgets the first time they pull down a man’s pants in a crowded room
  • that people think my coat is funny
  • bad karma will always kill your “rotation”
  • there’s nothing like sweating out alcohol on an elliptical machine
  • that I’m not internationally known, but I’m known to rock the microphone.
  • that showering isn’t necessary when you’ve got good bodyspray
  • that photographs of hookers and bordellos speak to something deep within our souls, and is therefore “art”
  • Ridgewood ain’t so bad
  • Newark ain’t so bad
  • it’s all fun and games until the drunk girl with issues shows up and singlehandedly destroys the party
  • guys will take it anywhere they can get it
  • don’t be the last guy seen with two extremely drunk girls in front of a cop, because if something ever happens to them, they’ll be looking for you
  • Chase’s outrageous non-Chase ATM fees can eat a bowl of hot steaming dick
  • there’s nothing like walking in the snow
  • fake biker chicks tend to undress rather easily
  • you know it’s been a night when you need, not want, but need, those last two beers
  • hot dogs aren’t good for you, they’re just good (at 3:30 am)
  • …and that, of course, you don’t stop.


  1. Ali, you can’t tell me you just learned this:

    guys will take it anywhere they can get it

    I learned that at age 14.

  2. Sometimes, I forget…

  3. I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying (which um, you’ve seen recently), and my tears taste like alcohol.

    And, the scene outside Dunkin Donuts with the drunk chicks (ahem), the donut, the cops and the guy giving said drunk chicks money to get home was priceless. Last night was insane!

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