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For a guy who is supposedly educated, yes, I tend to only quote sports figures, even in non-sports postings. So let’s give up to Allen Iverson for this gem and the title of this post.

The Answer practices. Safely, we hope.

Anyway, I was headed out the door from work and waiting at a crosswalk in Midtown Manhattan when one of those huge-ass express buses rolled by. Even if they’re a couple of feet away, when these behemoths buzz by, you always feel as if they came within an inch of you, don’t they? It’s like their height gives them the illusion of being able to tip over and fall on you at any time.

One passed me, and before I had my half a second of needless panic, I read the advertisement on the side of the bus. It was for an anti-AIDS organization, and I regret to say I do not remember the name of the organization or what their catchphrase was, but here was the point they were trying to get across:

60 percent of people are practicing unsafe sex.

Wow. How do you “practice” unsafe sex?

Well, yes, I know how to commit acts of unsafe sex, or engage in bad habits that are unsafe sexually. Not using protection, many random partners, indiscriminately doing it in the butt, etc. etc. But I don’t think I’ve ever really practiced, you know? I have never sat around plotting out how exactly I am going to do an ass-to-mouth transition should the day ever come.

Admittedly, this George Carlin-like (okay, George Carlin-wannabe) foray into wordplay is maybe kind of picky. After all the #4 definition of “practice” in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary as an intransitive verb is “to do something customarily”, and I guess if you can make your partners believe that you have a severe latex allergy, you would be practicing unsafe sex. You would also fit the definition as transitive verb #1b “to do or perform often, customarily, or habitually <practice politeness>” or in this case <practice tossing salads>.

However it’s clearly more troubling if you’re “practicing” unsafe sex like definition #2a: “to perform or work at repeatedly so as to become proficient”. Now, if you’ve perfected the techniques that have you or your partner saying “What what the hell, we’re here” or “Um, where is your toe?” as a conscious decision, maybe you have other issues that you need to look at and slow up on the boning.

In any case, whatever you’re practicing, AIDS is still something to worry about. I shouldn’t be astounded by what goes on out there, and mistakes can always be made in the heat of the moment. However, the fact that sixty percent of people out here are fucking up tells me that maybe we all haven’t been getting enough proper instruction. After all, you can practice all you want, if you’ve got a bad coach, you’re only going to get worse. Be safe, people.

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2 Comments

  1. Did you fall off the posting wagon already??? Dude, tt’s been six days, or maybe my computer isn’t refreshing your site properly…?

  2. btw, nice magical trick getting my blogger photo up on the sidebar.


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