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In honor of temporarily fallen Washington Post sportswriter and Pardon the Interruption panelist Michael Wilbon, today recovering from a minor angioplasty, I have decided to rip off one of my favorite segments of the show, Toss Up!, where the panelists are supposed to choose between two related items and then defend their position.

Normally, I’d fear a cease-and-desist order from the Worldwide Leader, but 1-my graphics here do nothing to approximate the real thing, 2- I will do almost no-sports related topics, and 3-about eight people read this thing. Let’s get it going.

Who ran the worse Republican Presidential Campaign?

Fesity Fred

Fred “Look Alive” Thompson

Maybe He’ll Be McCain’s Attorney General

Rudolph “9/11” Giuliani

The pick: Thompson. Giuliani was always lunch meat to me, simply because he never went all-out like Mitt Romney in denouncing and reversing his liberal social positions. He tried to minimize them, and it worked for a while. Then Republican voters realized that, in the parlance of Dennis Green, he was who he they thought he was: a thrice-married New Yorker with liberal social positions. Suddenly, John McCain started looking good again. On the other hand, here’s a trait people of all parties like in their Presidents, Fred: Looking awake. I know your hot wife is probably wearing your old ass out, but that’s no excuse. Now go back to playing the gruff police chief/head air-traffic controller/district attorney/military advisor. Good to have you back.

Which American city has developed the most annoying ‘expat’ community?

 Bahhston!

Boston

da bearsda bearsda bearsda bearsda bears

Chicago

The pick: Boston. I used to think it was Chicago, especially having a former roommate from there. I always find it weird how Chicagoland natives rave about how much they loooove the place, and then don’t actually live there! (Including this post’s namesake, who has lived in Washington for over 20 years.) But let’s face it, the absurd success of their sports franchises has pushed Boston over the top these days. Making it worse are guys who work in Boston and then come down to New York to see their supermodel girlfriends and challenge Leonardo DiCaprio to a dance-off at Butter.

(Okay, in the interest of fairness, New York is a distant third. Look, we’re obnoxious and annoying as well, but at least we’ll admit that it was too cold/rents were out of control/the pace was too much/we finally saw the virtue of open spaces and grass when we move to your city strolling around town in a Plaxico Burress jersey.)

Soda product for the vain guy watching his figure?

I’m not actively looking for sponsorship…

Diet Coke

Eat that hero and get with the zero

Coke Zero

The pick: Coke Zero. I had pretty much given up soda, and I was talking about that at work. But I had conveniently forgotten, during this conversation, that I had drank a bottle of Coke zero the night before, and I’m drinking it again tonight (caffeine: every good late-night blogger should have some). The aftertaste is virtually nonexistent, as opposed to Diet Coke, where the aftertaste is sort of part of the experience. And it’s allegedly zero calories. Even if I’m probably still better off drinking juice.

Better Old-Guy Movie?

Yo, I’m old!

“Rambo”

Bucket List.

“The Bucket List”

The pick: Rambo. With apologies to Paul Thomas Anderson, at least there’ll be blood in Rambo. Both seem like slick, manipulative, tired Hollywood entertainments, but at least in Rambo people are getting shot and beat down. Even if it is by a body double. Besides, Charles Bronson was making “Death Wish” movies well into his mid-to-late 70s, so this isn’t nearly as preposterous as you think. Well, on video, anyway.

Last one:

Worst website comments section:

ESPN.com

New York Daily News

The pick: The Daily News. It’s not even close, and that’s saying something considering the not-exactly-high level of discourse on ESPN.com. But a few intelligent comments seem to get through. It seemed as if as soon as the Daily News brought this feature onto their website, it was quickly abandoned by literate, smart commenters and left to the same kind of toolboxes that gum up Rants ‘n Raves on Craigslist with utter foolishness. As always, race brings out the worst in commenters on both websites. But while the comments on ESPN.com merely suggest that these people have a basic lack of reading comprehension, the comments on the Daily News are pretty much overrun by losers of all persuasions who could talk tough behind their computers, if they could complete an actual sentence. It makes the paper’s readership look downright illiterate, and I suggest either the Daily News at least spend a few nickels to hire someone to moderate their comments section or just get rid of it altogether.

Well, I won’t declare victory like Tony Kornheiser usually does, since I played no one. But I hope people enjoyed this odd little tribute.

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