What I’ve Learned From Being Out Every Night This Week

• how to lose 210 pounds in six months
• that if you think a good bar fight is more satisfying than having an orgasm, you’re probably going to do significant jail time in many states
• you can never know enough guys named “Manuel”
• that you must be pretty funny if you can make a guy who doesn’t understand English laugh
• when the Newcastle runs out, go to Brooklyn Lager
• if you are having a record listening party, you should play the album before the free beer runs out
• douches with synthesizers must have a lot of friends with money
• eggs that taste like ass are still eggs and therefore, edible
• no one ever forgets the first time they pull down a man’s pants in a crowded room
• that people think my coat is funny
• bad karma will always kill your “rotation”
• there’s nothing like sweating out alcohol on an elliptical machine
• that I’m not internationally known, but I’m known to rock the microphone.
• that showering isn’t necessary when you’ve got good bodyspray
• that photographs of hookers and bordellos speak to something deep within our souls, and is therefore “art”
• Ridgewood ain’t so bad
• Newark ain’t so bad
• it’s all fun and games until the drunk girl with issues shows up and singlehandedly destroys the party
• guys will take it anywhere they can get it
• don’t be the last guy seen with two extremely drunk girls in front of a cop, because if something ever happens to them, they’ll be looking for you
• Chase’s outrageous non-Chase ATM fees can eat a bowl of hot steaming dick
• there’s nothing like walking in the snow
• fake biker chicks tend to undress rather easily
• you know it’s been a night when you need, not want, but need, those last two beers
• hot dogs aren’t good for you, they’re just good (at 3:30 am)
• …and that, of course, you don’t stop.