Just because James Brown comes on does not mean you should be spending extra time on the stair machine. No matter how much you want to get on up like a sex machine, if you don’t get off the stair machine in a reasonable amount of time, you’re likely to tear something, possibly in the gluteus maximus area. Remember, if you’re making JB your personal trainer, please do it in moderation. Because the more you know…
Daily Archives: February 13th, 2008
Yes, with the writer’s strike over, it’s time to finally bring back one of everyone’s favorite pieces from the old blog, a feature I called Random Person of the Week, where I would award the honor of internet mockery to a person I dealt with during the week who changed my life. And by changed my life, I mean, make me go, “what the hell is wrong with people?!”
This week’s winner: the young lady ahead of me in line at the Chinese food spot (I refuse to say restaurant, a restaurant has tables and you can consider eating in there. I heard they only recently took down the bulletproof glass. Gentrification, baby!) Anyway, after placing her order, she requests some fortune cookies.
She tears into them, and stares at her fortune. (Anyway, aren’t you supposed to eat them afteryour dinner? If I’m not mistaken, Confucius put down an official ruling on this one, right?) She looked confused, and her friend looked like he had no idea what she was talking about or reading. Finally, she comes over to me, I pause my podcast of Around The Horn, and I hear this:
“Excuse me. What does this mean?” She hands me her fortune, and I read:
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Stunned, I looked at this woman and said, “It means you should diversify.”
She turned away without a response, because, let’s face it, if she had no idea what one of the oldest cliches in the history of the English language meant, she wasn’t going to know what diversify meant. Stunned, I just sat down, waited for my sesame chicken combination plate, and wept for future generations.
So congratulations to The Woman Who Did Not Know What ”Don’t Put All Your Eggs In One Basket” Meant. Not only did you become the first RPOW of the Well Whiskey Friday Era, you beat some pretty stiff competition to do it, like the Couple Who Wanted To Haggle About Ticket Prices At The Door and The Dodgy English Chick Who Tried To Make Out With Me At The Bar. Savor this victory, lady! Well, if you can even read this.
Now for the portion of the show where, as David Shuster or Xzibit would say, I pimp some of my friends’s activities.
First, not only does this guy put on top-notch theater productions noticed by such publications as The New York Times, now he gives away tickets to Hawaii. All you have to do is help support his theater by buying raffle tickets and you might could possibly go to Hawaii. More likely, you’re supporting a nonprofit theater company that is trying to bring this fine art to the masses. After you’re done buying a ticket to dream this wintry day, go check out the rest of the website and some of the work they’ve done.
Secondly, if you read the previous piece, you know I help my friend Dana put on the occasional show. This week, it’s Disco Crisco Twister. A very special edition, apparently, as it’s the Make Out Party Prom. Well, it’ll either be good clean, wholesome fun (utterly disappointing), or the rollicking VD rodeo we all know we’ve been waiting for (I don’t know about you, but I’ve been looking to take a sick day). In either case, it won’t be dull. If you’ve got President’s Day off, swing on by.
Last Sunday, after a day of helping out at the world-famous Amateur Female Jello Wrestling (If you went, you may have noticed me as “sleepy and indifferent door guy” or, if you were there early enough, “strong-looking guy in a tight sweater who keeps showing everyone the crack of his ass”), I decided to kick back and relax at Lit, where one of my favorite Sunday night activities (when I am not sensible enough to say, “Oh, I have work tomorrow”) is to go and sing some Rock ‘N Roll Karaoke.
At first, I was only going to do one song and go home, but the joint was kind of empty. After all, it was cold out, it had snowed a bit, and it was Sunday evening, which is sort of important if you are employed weekdays from nine to five. But I was feeling like a drink, and feeling like a song.
Before I selected, someone made a very valid point: Next weekend was President’s Day Weekend. Which means next Sunday, there will be a pretty big crowd, and no matter what, it’ll probably be a good time. However, if you are “serious” about singing, there’s one slight disadvantage: More people means more singing, which means fewer chances, which means probably a more limited chance to express yourself through the words of other people’s songs. So it was a good night to expand your repertoire and workshop new material, if you will.
Normal hits on my list (along with my sometime partner Juan, or, the duo known as “Long and Strong”) are “Jump Around” by House of Pain, “Wonderwall” by Oasis, “Mama Said Knock You Out” by LL Cool J, “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones, and “Chocolate Salty Balls” by Chef of South Park.
But there’s always room for new material.
So without further adieu, here are the three new songs I “workshopped”, and some critiques from the judges of a pretty popular karaoke competition.
“Is She Really Going Out With Him” by Joe Jackson
Why I chose it: For some reason, it felt right, and spoke to the narcissistic hater in me. Okay, that is me.
Randy: You kind of talked instead of sang at some points, almost like rappin’ it. And I loved the fact that you gave it an edge by talking over the song by saying stuff like “Seriously what the fuck is she thinking?” and “That bitch must really like ugly guys!” You made it your own, dog.
Paula: Such a bitter song for such a sweet boy! Why are you so angry? But I liked it!
Simon:Not a bad performance, but an American Idol can’t can’t go around cursing and making a scene like he’s Ice Cube. If you want to stay in this competition, you’re going to have to clean up your act. Oh, and I hated the rapping.
“Everybody Have Fun Tonight,” Wang Chung
Why I picked it: As I said to the DJ, “it’s so horrendous, it’s awesome”.
Randy: This is a bad choice of song for you, dog. I liked your energy and all, but you got too much bass in your voice, and your voice cracked a little at times. But you did get the crowd moving. I like that, dog.
Paula:That was soooo much more fun than your other song. I like that you showed your pop side. Nice job!
Simon:I like your performance and your energy, but that’s the totally wrong song for you. I don’t know how far you’re going to make it in this competition, you clearly have potential, but we can’t seem to bring it out of you. Oh, and can you lose the scarf? It’s kind of “Broadway”, if you know what I mean.
Me: (still sweating like Ruben Studdard walking up half a flight of stairs)Broadway? But this is my awesome Dr. Who scarf!
Simon: Yeah, because sci-fi ubergeeks buy records. What is wrong with you?
“Live and Let Die” sung in the style of Guns ‘N Roses. Of course the original is by Wings, which featured some dude named Paul McCartney, who was in this other band before this not all that hot Japanese chick who couldn’t sing busted it up.
Why I picked it: I’ve had success with Guns ‘N Roses Songs before, namely, “Mr. Brownstone”.
Randy: (standing) That was incredible, dog! You worked it! That’s what we’ve been waiting for!
Paula:Incredible! It’s like you melted cute Paul and angry Axl together and bam! It’s a Well Whiskey Friday song!
Simon: That was incredible and not “Broadway” at all! But I’m not sure America is ready for a rock Idol who curses and wears nerdy scarves. Still, you’ve finally impressed me a little.
